Funny and stupid stuff.

Post funny and stupid stuff here.why you ask?.....because you can.


Dog & Cat Diaries

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
6:00 pm - Oooh, Bath . Bummer.
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously re****ed.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.................

hehe. Cats are funny

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go
Slow."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that"s wrong
JOHN: Maybe it"s wrong, but you asked me how I
spell it!
_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it"s H to O!
______________

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North
America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered
America ?
CLASS: George!
______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn"t have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I"m a lot closer to the ground than
you are.
______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with
"I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on
the
same day, same time."
_____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down
his father"s cherry tree, but also admitted doing
it. Now do you know why his father didn"t punish
him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his
hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don"t have to, my Mom is a good
cook.
_______________

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother"s. Did you copy
his?
DESMOND: No! , teacher, it"s the same dog!
______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL : A teacher.



A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam, was having trouble with

one of her students

The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in

the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in

the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office.

While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the

principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he

would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions

he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a

third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her,
"I

think Boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,

oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And

sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could

stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting

down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open

really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get

me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're

bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was

looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you

blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means

lot of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't

get it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some

men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his

wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has

lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions

wrong myself!"

in case you haven't seen this yet.


As a father of fifteen children, nothing was more precious to me than family reading time. Family is important, more important than anything in the world, and reading stories to my precious kids helped me connect with my own family in a meaningful and entertaining way.

Then an irresponsible psychopath ruined reading for everyone by turning it into a world of violence and brutality, unfit for innocent eyes. That maniac's name was Michael Crichton, and the book was Jurassic Park. Ever since his vicious and disturbing novel was unleashed on an unsuspecting world, I have never been able to read to my children again. Books had been ruined because one of them personally offended me once, and now all forms of written language are banned in my house on pain of excommunication.

It was then that I turned to videogames as a means of finding other people to come up with parenting ideas for me, and ultimately Nintendo's Wii. "At last," I thought. "This will be the salvation we seek. A family friendly console. Why, I can bulldoze my way into an established medium, carve myself off a nice big niche of it, and then exclusively claim sole rights to it because I'm an American parent, and that means I get to have things all to myself that nobody else is allowed to enjoy."

How disgusted I was when I found out that the Wii, far from being a sanctuary from violence and swearing and everything else that upsets me, actually had some videogames on it that were not suitable for children. Et tu, Nintendo? Have you also abandoned the only audience you have ever had? Poring through the Wii's library of games, I was shocked to see that the grisly work Michael Crichton had started was being allowed to run amok. Jurassic Park was only the beginning -- violent videogames exist ... and I CAN'T TAKE IT!

Nintendo was a company first formed in 2006 where it created a brand new form of gaming -- family games. Before Nintendo came along with its debut Wii console, we only had the likes of Microsoft and Sony, who first invented videogames with the Playing Station and GameCube respectively. When it was just Microsoft and Sony, gaming was a violent past time enjoyed exclusively by psychopaths and rapists. Did you know that the Columbine Massacre happened because of videogames? My research found this out, when Martha who lives next door told me that she saw someone on TV once say that videogames made Columbine happen. The evidence is astounding.

Obviously my children were not allowed near such sick videogames as Grandia Theft Auto, where you score points for eating prostitutes alive. As a loving parent, I believe that the only way to prepare children for the adulthood is to completely shield them from reality. The best way for a young person to survive in a world rife with violence, crime and tragedy is to be thrown out of the house at age eighteen, completely naive and possessing the emotional development of a five-year-old. This is why my kids will always be raised in a societal bubble, oblivious of the fact that violence exists until they've actually got a knife pressed against their throats.

After seeing the Nintendo Wii on television, however, I decided I might take a chance. Mainly because some celebrities said they enjoyed it, and I in turn enjoy copying celebrities and trying to be like them. The final push came when I realized that families all over America were buying them, and even though I'd never played a videogame before in my life and only heard about the Wii that morning, I'd decided there and then that it was my favorite thing in the world and I was now a gamer. Being influenced by videogames is wrong, but being influenced by television and celebrities who I don't know is fine.

When my family saw that their father had secured for them a bonafide Nintendo Wii, they were ecstatic. I was popular with my children, which is important because trying to be their friend is much better than trying to be their parent. This is why I always make sure to blame other things when my kids act up, rather than blame the children themselves. If I told them off, they might not like me for a few hours, and we can't have that.

Finally, I had found something to enjoy with my kids during family time, and for the twenty-three-hours-fifty-six minutes of the day that I DON'T want to spend with the children, Nintendo's console also acted as a brilliant surrogate parent. I could safely sit them in front of the Wii all day, without having to do extremely difficult things like watch them or use my brain to think about them, safe in the knowledge that the Wii and its non-threatening library of videogames was doing all the work for me. After all, it's not like in the old days. When I was a child we watched totally nonviolent and morally upright cartoons such as Tom & Jerry. Nowadays it's just sadistic cruelty on TV. Parents nowadays just can't rely on television like my parents did. Times are hard.

Unfortunately, it all turned sour on a dreadful, dark and dismal day when one of my little boys, whose name I forget, brought home the one CD (games come on CDs, right?) that would ruin videogames for EVERYONE. Just like Crichton had done with Jurassic Park, Nintendo had seen fit to drive a knife through my back and turn the peviously safe Wii into a hotbed of slaughter and pure, Satantic evil. A VIOLENT VIDEOGAME was on the Wii, and my family safe haven had been destroyed. The game's name?

Super Mario Galaxy.

At first it looked innocent enough. The unfamiliar character on the box looked charming, if slightly pedophilic, and I was mesmerized as I so often am by the bright colors and fascinating shapes. However, upon putting the game into the Wii's disc-hole-thing, I had unwittingly opened the floodgates and let a stream of filth into my once unsullied and beautiful homestead.

I witnessed with horror as main character "Mario" abused animals, stamped on the heads of his enemies and used nothing but sheer, unadulterated violence to solve his problems. A far cry from the games that had made Nintendo famous such as Wii Sports and Wii Play, this new character was just like the vicious thugs that Sony and Microsoft had glorified with Master Grief and Smash Brandycot. Who the heck was this Mario? This was not what Nintendo was supposed to be about. Why had the company abandoned me?

With a queasy feeling in my stomach, I went back over the Wii's library of games and what I saw nearly made me sick onto my hands and shirt. Games like The Legend of Zelda, which uses realistic motion controls and forces children to re-enact stabbing with blades. Games like Super Smash Bros. in which unfamiliar characters beat each other to a pulp for no reason in particular. Zelda? Smash Bros.? Nintendo has never done anything like this before. Why would they suddenly start pandering to the remorseless thugs who buy such awful garbage?

I had no choice. In front of my children, I set upon the Wii, beating it with my shoe until it cracked and shattered. As its plastic pieces littered the floor, I explained to the children that the Wii had become tainted by some videogames that I did not approve of, and that meant we could never play it again or enjoy the games we used to play. HOW could we enjoy the family-friendly games knowing that VIOLENT ones also existed?

One of the children rolled his eyes and said "Not like the books, Dad." I had no choice but to kick the everloving fun out of that boy in front of his brothers and sisters to set an example. We'll not have violence in my house, and if anybody disagrees, they get kicked in the spine, tailbone and pelvic region until both of us are in tears.

How dare Nintendo forget the people that put it where it is? Introducing brand new concepts like a fat Italian who jumps on the heads of turtles has completely alienated those of us who grew up with traditional games like Wii Music. Now that I know violent videogames exist on the Wii, I could never trust it again and won't ever let it back into this place of rest. Just like I banned everyone in the house from eating food because I found out some food can be bad for you, or when I destroyed all the records we ever owned because I was told that a musician shot himself once and that would be a bad example to set my offspring.

The Wii's family image has been ruined forever. From now on, my children will only be allowed to play with a small brown box I found by some trashcans. Until of course I find a reason to be frightened of cardboard.

And trust me, I will.

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your radio show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other specific Bible laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? She's 18 and starting University. Must the slave buyer continue to pay for her education by law ?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should this be a neighborhood improvement project ?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Would contact lenses help ?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

WALL ST VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an
option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United
States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image
called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh#t out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attracti

Fun stuff to do at Wal-Mart. There are some repeats.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!...” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “...I’m Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Find a grill in Lawn and Garden with an electric ignition and hold the button. It's amusing. It makes these rapid clicking sounds. Someone will think the store is being shot.
52. Sit next to a TOTAL stranger you've never seen before. Then say "you know I've heard this rumor that today someone is supposed to hold a bus hostage and use it to rob a bank. Wanna know what I think? You'd best not be getting on this bus." (while you're putting on leather gloves and sunglasses)
53. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
54. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
55. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
56. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
57. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
58. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
59. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, Pikachu, go!"
60. Go into the bathroom, and every time a person gets into the stall next to you, let out a few fake farts.
61. Get a chair from camping section, a side table and some popcorn then sit in front of the TV's in the electronics section and refuse to move for the rest of the day and continually complain about the channel or movie that is on.
62. Stand in the underwear section picking up at looking at everything with extreme thought. (The younger you are the better, also works better if you do it in the female section if you're male, and vice-versa)
63. Pick up the condoms/tampons/whatever, and shout 'What does this do?'
64. Go to the books section, read the ending of a random book and then stick a post-it on the front page explaining it. Proceed to do this with every book in the aisle.
65. Go to a change room and lock the door from the inside then walk out and close it. Go find a Wal-Mart employee and tell them you locked your clothes in the room, they'll go towards the change rooms and when you're behind them, slip into a different aisle. Wasting their time = fun.
66. Go to the sports section and play a game of 21's with a friend. (Basketball)
67. Set up a hockey net and get a friend to put on some of Wal-Mart's goalie equipment then take a few shots. After a couple shots randomly drop your gloves and go at it.
68. Play tag in the store with 5+ people.
69. Interview employees and ask them weird questions.
70. Hide in the clothes rock thingy and meow when people are near.
71. Lie on the bottom rack of a shopping cart and pull yourself around the store with your hands and feet. Not only can you get going pretty fast, which is fun, but when you're little, it's hard to see you right away, so people notice an unmanned shopping cart barreling down on them at a ridiculous pace, and some of those people let loose a startled shout.
72. Walk through the checkout line with goldfish, tarter sauce, and a deep frier.
73. Find the weight section and have a buddy help you bench press in the aisle.
74. Take large sticky tags and put them on small clothing.
75. Find an open container filled with alot of balls and dump it in the aisle. Best would be bouncy balls.
76. Play football in the aisle.
77. Tie fishing line to a $5 and watch with amusement.
78. Move the plastic plants across the aisles, forcing people to detour. When someone tries to move one, yell "THIEF!!!!!" and watch their reaction.
79. Put a thumb tack in the pockets of jeans poking towards the inside.
80. Pay for things in pennies.
81. Walk around with a farting machine.
82. Get 6 friends. 1 will be a spotter, the others will be throwers. Wait on the aisle with the big box of rubber bouncy balls, and position the spotter on the next aisle over. Have a code word for when someone is walking down the aisle. When the codeword is said, the balls fly over the aisle, pelting the victim with rubbery balls. Then run before they catch you.
83. Test out a new bike in the frozen foods section.
84. Ask people where the adult videos are.
85. Ask employees the stupidest questions you can think of in the weirdest voice you can imitate.
86. Go into Woman's section, put on a bra, and run around the store screaming.
87. Give out free gift cards that owe money to corporations.
88. Sneak around all stealthy-like and hum the Bond theme song.
89. Ask every customer you can find where the "erotic lubricants" are.
90. Glue the tops of bottles shut.
91. Put all the radios on a rap station, and turn it up as loud as it goes.
92. Take a toy baby, put it in a stroller and push it full speed down a long aisle. Even better would be grabbing a portable stereo, put a track of a baby crying on it, put batteries in the stereo, then turn it on and push the stroller.
93. Block off the doors with shopping carts.
94. Tell an employee in an official tone, 'Code 3' and watch what happens.
95. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
96. Glue cereal boxes to the shelves.
97. Ask why the rollback man committed suicide in front of small children.
98. In the electronic aisles frequently tell customers "The adult videos are over there."
99. Put mineral oil on all the toilet seats in the womens restroom. and for the mens take a sheet of clear plastic rap and lay it flat under the toilet seat.
100. Put the best toys you can find on high shelves and watch as children struggle to reach them.

Fun stuff to do at Wal-Mart (Continued) Some repeats, maybe..... I forgot.

101. Take down one of the bikes, grab a wrench and loosen the wheels, then put a sign on it that says "test ride this bike for free!"
102. Grab drugs and put a sign that says "candy" on it and put it in the candy department.
103. Go into the fitting rooms and start making moans.
104. Buy a dildo from somewhere else and put it in the toys section. Hey it is a toy.
105. Steal a cart, Weld the wheels so they do not move, bring back. Then watch as people try to push it.
106. Take a dump in the fitting room.
107. Pour cooking oil on the non carpeted floor.
108. You know those metal strips that make the alarm go off? Stick one on a little kid while they are walking out the door.
109. Put sirens on your shopping cart and try to pull other peoples carts over.
110. Fill your cart until it overflows... buy absolutely nothing.
111. Wear dark clothes and a ski mask and walk around the store.
112. Intentionally cut people's carts off with your own.
113. Dress up as a police officer and make authoritative expressions and gestures.
114. Knock stuff off of random shelves.
115. During summer, find a way to shut off the AC, find a way into the vents, and put an open package of cheese or poop in.
116. Pay in pesos.
117. Go up to random women, spray Axe on yourself then ask them if they want you.
118. Set up a DVD player to play a porno on all of the TV's.
119. Get cap guns and fake a gunfight between cops and robbers.
120. Get a 10 year old to try to buy a shotgun.
121. Try to return one of your own guns, and have a fake bullet wound in your arm.
122. Grab a few gallons of milk and hide them.
123. Call Wal-Mart on your cellphone while you are there and ask for a silly name such as Harry Testicles. See if they say it over the intercom.
124. Get on the intercom and report a Code:Blue(bomb) or Adam(missing child) then run like hell.
125. Staple the legs of pants shut.
126. Shove the camera that is hooked to all of the big-screen TV's down your pants.
127. Hide in the clothing racks with a Freddy Krueger or Hockey mask on. Hold a plastic knife and have your friend go up to the intercom and say over the loud speakers, "A mental patient has escaped and was last seen in this area, please be cautious." Then pop out a people.
128. In September, get a "back to school special" sign and hang it over the condoms.
129. Put all the DVD's in the $5 DVD box.
130. Switch the price tag stickers of cheap and expensive items.
131. Let the air out of all the bikes.
132. Break something and hide.
133. Drink milk out of the carton and put it back, make sure people can see you.
134. Try to steal candy out of the dispensers.
135. Shake up all the soda really hard, while people watch.
136. While at your house, get a big marker and put it in your pants so it looks like you have an erection. Then go to Wal-Mart and walk around the store like there is nothing wrong.
137. Play any instrument you see as loud as possible.
138. Fall asleep in the aisle, preferably in a pile of women's underwear and bras.
139. Open all the painkillers and pretend to take multiple kinds at once.
140. Make a rope out of ties and sing the Indiana Jones theme while you throw it at poles and such.
141. Lounge for hours in the patio furniture.
142. Rick Roll the entire store over the intercom.
143. Take those little electric cars off of the racks (they are usually way in the back) and drive them around. That is the funnest when they try to chase you.
144. Sniff clothes and other items while people watch.
145. Sit in the changing room and ask others if their stall doesn't have toilet paper.
146. Hide in the clothes rack and pop out when people aren't looking and fling scrunchies or rubber bands at them.
147. Buy a label maker that makes price tags and change the prices.
148. Put SI swimsuit editions in the children's book section.
149. Fill backpacks and suit cases full of pills and other items.
150. Bump into someone and put bumper stickers on them.
151. Go to the section where they sell fish and then tell them you want to buy like 25 or so of a certain kinda fish, then the person will have to sit there and have to fish out all of them, then change your mind.
152. Chew like 10 or 12 pieces of gum and stick it on the inside of the handle of the door on the fitting room and watch the people "limbo" their way out.
153. Stand by the entrance and say "Welcome to Wal-mart!! Get your **** and get out."
154. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him “I need some tampons!!”
155. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
156. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
157. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
158. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
159. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
160. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
161. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
162. Yell "JIHAD" really loud.
163. Play with the automatic doors.
164. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the rest room.
165. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying “How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling.” Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
166. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
167. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. “hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign? (giggle).” When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. “hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign? (giggle).”
168. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front of your nose and saying “Oh god, your over powering the perfume!!”
169. Hit on the elderly.
170. Hit on 5 year olds.
171. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that you’re a prissy English Man. Say things like “Cheerio, good man” to people who walk by. And don’t forget to have perfect posture.
172. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they don’t know you.
173. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a horse, then pretend that your a cowboy, etc. And if a little kid comes over wanting to use it, start barking at them until they run away crying.
174. Excessively use anything thing that says “Try Me”.
175. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind customers and “accidentally” hit the people instead of your friend.
176. Start pocketing any and all free samples.
177. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.
178. Walk up to the customer service and when they say “Hello, how may I help you?” say “Yes, I’ll have a Quarter Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of French fries and a diet coke.” And when they start to talk, say “Oh, to go”. Then when they say that they can’t give it to you say “Oh, This is because I’m gay isn’t it? I’d expect this from Caldors, but not Walmart/Kmart. People who are gay are just like everyone else your know. You disgust me” Then walk away mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl- like as you can.
179. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people asking where the rash cream is because your family and all your friends seem to have a rash too.
180. When you’re alone, have loud conversations with your “multiple personalities”. Have an English man, a Southern person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old girl all at the same time. You have to use accents.
181. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the store.
182. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger, your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while singing the circus song.
183. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department.
184. Put lingerie in the men’s department.
185. Put items that you haven't bought in backpacks/gymbags so when people buy them they get stopped.
186. Put super sexy lingerie in old men’s carts when they turn around.
187. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that someone is trying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over, start crying and saying “All I ever wanted was a little attention” Then run away crying.
188. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while, start saying blink every time it blinks. Don’t look away, just stay mesmerized.
189. Walk up to a lady and calmly say “Help me. The voices in my head are telling me to do naughty things.” Then clap your hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming “NO!!! I DON’T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO NO NO NO!!!!” Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the eyes, and Calmly say “I…will start…a fire…” The pull out a zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don’t light the zippo, just hold it closed.
190. Walk up to someone and say “Oh, so your back for more. I warned you never to come back here. Wait here while I go get my shot gun”. Then walk away.
191. Walk up to a guy and say “Oh my god, is it you? Oh my god it is!!! I haven’t seen you in so long!!!!” Then kiss him. Then slap and him say “Why didn’t you ever call me??” Then walk away. Much more affective if you’re a guy.
192. Stand next to a mannequin and pretend that you’re a mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your watch and say. “Finally, my shift is done. I really don’t get paid enough to do this.”
193. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.
194. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.
195. Act like your about to cry and ask people “Have you seen my mommy?”
196. Walk up to someone and say "I heard you had sex with your mom? That is messed up." Then watch people's reactions.
197. Get a basketball, throw it and say "PIKACHU! I CHOOSE YOU!"
198. Go to the computer display, Then put the volume up full blast, then go on the internet, Type in ethier "Internetisseriousbusiness"/I'm Feeling lucky on Google or type in smouch.net/lol in the address bar then slink off before Rick Astley starts singing "Never Gonna Give You Up".
199. Get a super soaker water gun, put milk or another white liquid in it. Then download some MP3's of girls moaning and burn it to a CD. Take both of those to Walmart, put the CD in and turn it all the way up and start squirting the water gun. To the people in the other aisles, it will look like...well, you know what.
200. Take the clothes of the racks and throw them on the floor.
201. Set the lobsters free and make them race.
202. Pick up a Wiimote from the games department and see how much damage I could do to a new flatscreen.
203. Take a Nintendo DS stylus and scratch the top screen (not the touch screen) as much as possible.
204. Take up vegetables and have food fights with friends.
205. Find the candy section of a Wal-Mart and every time someone goes to buy chocolate, you begin saying, then eventually yell: CHOCOLATE!
206. Walk around listening to your iPod and singing out loud like nothing is wrong

josh wrote:

Post funny and stupid stuff here.why you ask?.....because you can.


Dog & Cat Diaries

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
6:00 pm - Oooh, Bath . Bummer.
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously re****ed.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.................

Funny, but... Why is retarded blocked out and not bastard?

These are actual medical reports from a hospital in SA

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills,but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge ststus: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant and infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has 2 teenage children, but other than that no abnormalities

Here's some quotes from IRC chats me and a few friends had. Sorry but there is some profanity and crude humor in these.

[2:52pm] • Impulse corners T3chno
[2:52pm] T3chno: I'm Batman, you can't corner me.
[2:53pm] incluye: Okay.
[2:53pm] • incluye squares T3chno
[2:53pm] T3chno: Dammit.

[11:29pm] Impulse: Bunniesandsheep has a little wiener and tiny nuts.
[11:29pm] Impulse: Go copy and paste that all over the forums.
[11:29pm] incluye: Okay.
[11:29pm] Impulse: NOT REALLY

<~Impulse> !kick incluye in the balls
<~Impulse> !kick Surmuck in the balls
* Surmuck was kicked by Mephisto (in the balls)
<~incluye> Error: no such user, "incluye in the balls"
<~Sniperwhere> XD

<&jesseh20> are you making it out of macaroni boxes impulse?
<~Impulse> Yes.
<~Sniperwhere> Can i have the macaroni?
<~Impulse> No.
<~Sniperwhere> aw..
<~Impulse> The macaroni makes my graphics card.
<~Sniperwhere> oh.
<~Impulse> You can't run Crysis without that.
<~Sniperwhere> no wonder it doesn't work
<~Sniperwhere> not enough mac in my pc

<&KB> The IPBot server has gone offline.
<&KB> The IPBot server is now online.
<&KB> The IPBot server has gone offline.
<&KB> The IPBot server is now online.
<&KB> The IPBot server has gone offline.
<&KB> The IPBot server is now online.
<%Sniperwhere> MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!!

<~Sniperwhere> Ew. I was gonna have an apple, but they're all wrinkled and squishy.
<~Impulse> Yeah.
<~Impulse> That's why Mac sucks.
<~Sniperwhere> XD

<~Impulse> la
<~Impulse> g
<~Impulse> WITH A MJROR WOKFHrew
<~Impulse> gjh
<~Impulse> djdghj
<~Impulse> STOPERTY DHPLEASE
<Acer101> daddy, why r u acting funny?

<+Sniperwhere> Lynch Sniperwhere
<+Sniperwhere> Why me?
<+Sniperwhere> Because you're mafia, dumbass
<+Sniperwhere> Look at that idiot talking to himself.

* ~Impulse shoves a bottle rocket in his ass.
<~Sniperwhere> dude, you're not a cat

<~Sniperwhere> as long as it's shooting down the street, i'll be satisfied
<~Sniperwhere> erm...
<~Impulse> You're evil, aren't you?
<~Sniperwhere> not that i get any sick, disgusting pleasure for watching a cat burn up from a bottlerocket in it's ass.
<~Sniperwhere> <_<
<~Sniperwhere> >_>
<~Sniperwhere> O_O

<~Sniperwhere> god, what is he drinking?
<~Impulse> God drinks only the finest imported wine.

* ~Impulse cracks his 3rd beer.
<~Sniperwhere> you'll need it.
<~Impulse> Why?
<~Sniperwhere> with a brother with self collapsing liquid shit, who wouldn't?
<~Impulse> Can't argue with that.

Bunny what is this test?
16:46 Sniperwhere I'm trying to test out the /mode
16:46 Sniperwhere It isn't working, as i thought
16:46 Bunny DON"T EAT ME
16:46 *** Quote joined #wwg
16:47 Quote eats bunnies

<~Sniperwhere> !deowner Bunny
* Mephisto sets mode: -q Sniperwhere
<&Sniperwhere> !owner
* Mephisto sets mode: +q Sniperwhere
<~Sniperwhere> Gay
<~Sniperwhere> Gay
<~Sniperwhere> Gay
<~Sniperwhere> Gay
<~Sniperwhere> Gay
<~Sniperwhere> Gay
<~Sniperwhere> Gay
<~Sniperwhere> Gay
<~Sniperwhere> Gay
<~Sniperwhere> Gay
<~Sniperwhere> !owner
<~Sniperwhere> !owner
* Mephisto sets mode: +q Sniperwhere
* Mephisto sets mode: +q Sniperwhere

<Impulse>: AAAAAAAAH
<Impulse>: INCLUYE
<Impulse>: HOW ARE THINGS?
<incluye>: WHAT
<incluye>: REALLY LOUD

<Bunny>: and lol my mum is looking at all the swearing...
<Bunny>: u wudn't wana see her face
<Impulse>: Hi, mom of some random internet people.
<Orange>: I'M DANIEL DAY LEWIS
<Orange>: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

<~Sniperwhere> http://cncforums.b1.jcink.com/uploads/cncf...-1228872803.jpg
<~Sniperwhere> WOO HOO
<~Impulse> This conversation MUST BE QUO- OH DEAR GOD
<~incluye> GAHHHHH
<~incluye> KILL EVERYONE
<~Impulse> SOMEONE GOUGE OUT MY FUCKING EYES
<~Impulse> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
<~Sniperwhere> I love you fuckers too.

<Impulse>: If you could be a catgirl for one day then turn back into your normal self, would you do it?
<Sniperwhere>: um...
<Sniperwhere>: that's a damn good question.
<Sniperwhere>: I... don't really know.
<Impulse>: You could totally look at yourself naked.
<Sniperwhere>: hang on. i need to look something up.
<Sniperwhere>: that has nothing to do with naked catgirls
<Impulse>: Suuure.

* Jesus: you're not channel operator